Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Having a day...Feels like Monday

I am having a very bad day. Someone posted a picture of me and oh my Goodness..I am sooo fat. When did this happen. I really need to get serious and loose some weight. It is just one of those weeks. Going on very little sleep, so tired I am just going to crash so i eat more and feel more fat and yicky..Oh how I hate myself right now. I think i really need to buy some fat burning pills maybe try Alli.....I dunno I can't stay this fat goint to the beach in June so I have to just loose weith or I am going to hate the beach I will be wearning Jeans and sweatshirts...OH how I hate me. I so need to figure out how to like me again. I was a size five when I met my hubby now , well lets just say HUGE!!! He says he doesn't care but I really feel like he looks at me with hate and disgust , maybe because I hate me so much .. I dunno. But I do feel he thinks I am know gross so I just hide behind my kids so I don't have to be intimate and face him really being grossed out by me. I sleep on the couch and keep my distance, so he hates me even more, no wonder he works long days and I feel he hates me, oh well I guess if he decides he really hates me he will leave like everyone else....Oh my what have I become. How did I blink and get this fat again...I looked better pregnant than I do now. Wow I hate being me. I really want a better camera a better lens anew house that comes with a maid and nanny so then I would have time for me. I wish I could feel good enough to take Photos for a living, but I feel there are just too many everybody wants to do it, or buys good camereas a does it themselves....I am so lonely all the time, no wonder all I do is eat, I am tired I eat, I am boired I eat, I want something sweet i eat, I hate myself I eat, Does it ever stop?? Does anyone really understand how this feels or am I alone in this. Alone in my depression, Alone in wishing I were enough...Just once I want to be good enough I want to take that amazing photo that gets noticed, I wanna be somebody. I am a mom of six, I think I have olost all of me, I am fading into nothing, but the MOM. THe Fat old mom....Yes I am feeling sorry for me right now, I am sorry I am trying, BUt Where is GOd when It really matters? Is he here? Does he care? How can even God love me? I am the forgotten child the one who really should have died as a baby I wasn't supose to make it why did I? I am nothing...My older kids always want there dad he is perfect he is wonderful he can do nothing wron..then there is me I always screw up there plans I get left for him, there sister from him and his new wife is everything...There brothers seem like nothing..They have to get Bella a present..They have to be at her party but when it is one of The brothers they don't care..Why?? Then They think they have the right to tell me if I can or can not have more why is it ayones business but mine and my hubby's?? I raise them I take care of them I feed them I love them more then anyone knows my heart gets tore out daily because they are my heart and I hate sharing I don't wanna share anymore. I really really want a little girl still . I wanted pink and tuts and now it looks like that will never happen My heart is sad today, for many reasons. Heard a sad true story of a little 2 year old who stuck in a futon, and ended up choking on his own vomit..HOw sad is that??? My heart breaks for the family. I am Thankful for my boys I love them dearly just the girl I have I share and it is hard..Try sharing with a stepmom who take s your only daughter Bra shopping for the first time.... Who takes her to get her eyebrows waxed for the first time...who does her hair..who seems to be the best most awesome personm to my daughter on the planet it is so hard. And the kicker she has her own daughter she will get to do this with, but she still choice to steal away my moments...with MY Princess....Oh what I would do for a little girl I did not have to share...Wow I don't even know where all of this is coming from..I guess I hurt more then I admit to people. I hurt so bad. I know none really reads this so I fugure I am ok to vent here. Maybe someday I will be a somebody. Iwill make money taking photos I will travel I will be happy , but for now thi is my life I will try to life the best I can surving God, I know it seem like in all this I don't but I know God loves me, I know I love him , I know he takes me as I am I know he will raise me up.....I just need to be still and know he is God.Wow I think I fell a little better after all the venting!!!!!

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